Are you tired of fear and doubt?

There was a time when I feared my tomorrows and I doubted my worth. Ever been there, friend?

Middle school was our coming of age story. Do you remember? The years when life became parties and dances and added responsibilities. Too old for hopscotch and too young to drive, it was life in the middle and we were experiencing the excitement of becoming.

I’m embarrassed to admit that as a seventh-grader, I was a tad bit boy-crazy. I was desperately in love with a boy named Chris–my first real boyfriend. Except I wasn’t allowed to date yet.

So we had this thing in middle school we called going out. It was the 70’s version of going steady–except you didn’t necessarily go out anywhere. I was thrilled when Chris asked me to go out.

Then it happened…

My first heart-crushing break up. I found out, get this, that Chris cheated on me with his older sister’s friend. Really? This is in seventh grade, people. What in the world?

After “the break-up” I thought I could never love again [cue the Titanic soundtrack] until a welcomed distraction changed my mind. That cool guy with the Matt Damon smile in 5th period Art. Except Matt Damon was only five at the time, so to my then-me, it was probably more like David Cassidy. And by cool I mean like the beatnik type you might find painting a mural on the side of the ACME Super Market or splashing graffiti on the Route 80 overpass.

His attention was just what this wounded, broken-hearted seventh-grade girl needed. At least it’s what she thought she needed.

I can’t remember how long the teen flirty thing went on, but one day he asked me to meet him after school. Did I mention he was an eighth grader? I mean, he was practically in high school.

Girlfriend, have you ever stood in someone’s shadow? I had those kinds of girlfriends whose towering shadows loomed over me; you know, those popular girls who got the popular guys. This time it was my turn. 

Then Things Got a Little Scary

I’m sure I lied to my mother before the rendezvous on the path in the woods between Stony Brook Elementary and Copeland Middle Schools. There was a kiss, and then he led me by the hand off the path. Things got a little over my head and then things got a little scary. Scary to the point of him exposing himself and I don’t even remember what happened after that.

The next thing I do remember was sitting on the concrete wall in my BFF’s driveway. The terror had worn off and suddenly I felt mature. In a shy and giddy sort of girly way, I told my friend what just happened. Thinking she’d be impressed by this mature encounter, I wondered if she’d ask me for the sordid details. I mean, wasn’t she the girl whose older sister told us how she got a hickey? I thought it was from a vacuum cleaner. Yeah, no.

So I waited for the reaction which was not at all what I had hoped for. All I remember her saying was something to the tune of “ewe, gross.” I walked away feeling shameful and dirty. Like I had done something wrong.

Staring at my feet the whole way home, a fear came over me. I feared my tomorrows. My self-worth shrunk to the pavement. What if everyone found out? What if he told all the other boys?

I have no memory of 5th period Art after that encounter in the woods and I never told another soul–not even my mother. At least not until years later.

I didn’t realize that encounter was sexual abuse until I took my first counseling course. Then I counseled other women who didn’t realize their encounters were abuse either.

These incidents in our lives can disguise themselves as harmless and normal. I thought an abuser had to be a grown-up, but that’s not true. For all I know, he could have been a victim of abuse too, because hurt people hurt people.

Here me, girlfriend,  just because the world tells us everybody is doing it, and boys will be boys, and don’t make a big thing, doesn’t mean anyone has the right to violate us. It doesn’t give anyone the right to break our trust.

Have you had a crushing encounter, friend? An experience that made you feel less-than, unworthy, shameful, fearful?

Break Free of Your Fear and Crush Your Doubt

Your value is not based on painful incidents of your past or present–it’s not based on what you have done or what someone has done to you.

Your value is found in Christ alone.

God knitting you together, embroidering your very being into something magnificent and beautiful? That’s the very essence of your worth.

Believe who you are. Live the life you were meant to live. When life’s brokenness brings fear of our tomorrows and feeds our doubt, we can make a choice. We can allow our fear and doubt to outweigh our purpose, or we can tip the scales in favor of the truth.

How do we break free of fear?

By wielding our Sword of the Spirit–the Word of God. There is nothing more powerful than God’s truth and His power within us.

How do we crush our doubts?

We fit our feet with the readiness of the gospel of peace, and we stomp out doubt with God’s peace that surpasses all understanding.

The enemy wants to chain us up with fear and weigh us down with doubt. Of course, he does. He knows the truth–God has plans for us and those plans are not to harm us but to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Those plans include spreading that hope to others.

The enemy hates hope because all his hope is lost. Gone. He doesn’t win and he knows it. Let’s not allow him to lead us by the hand off the path.

Take heart because if we do veer off the path, God will help us find our way back. Then He lights the way so we can see far enough ahead to get where He is calling us to be.

Photo by Geran de Klerk on Unsplash

I have forgiven that boy, but I share this story because we all have our stories, don’t we? I want to share more of my stories with you and I hope it inspires you to share your stories, too.

When we bring our stories into the light, it lights the way for others to see Jesus. He is the author and finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). He is our healer.

You have gifts that can impact the world and your calling is more powerful than what threatens to hold you back. You can walk boldly in God’s plans for your life and laugh without fear of your tomorrows (Proverbs 31:25).

Tell your stories, friend.

Will you follow me here and hear more of my stories?

You can do that by grabbing my free gift to you. It’s my ebook: Step Out of Your Doubt and Into Your Calling: Walking Boldly in God’s Plans for Your Life. Would you like to read it?

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Let’s journey together with God and break free of fear and crush doubt.

Are you in, friend?